Wild Parenting

Someone recently asked a question that I immediately dismissed as ridiculous.

That question was, “What parenting lessons can we learn from wild animals?” Growing up in a rural area, I witnessed both nurturing relationships between animals as well as harsh animal parenting. (For example, the old feral tomcat that killed his own kittens whenever he got the chance.) Humans possess the power of reasoning. What possible enlightenment could animals provide about raising children with an optimistic outcome in life?

Basic Instincts

Then it hit me. Our ability to reason is a disadvantage for the most basic of all survival skills—intuition. Having quick and ready insight (not based on rational thought) can be an advantage, but humans often rationalize away their instinctive impulses. Instinct causes animals to run from danger without over-thinking the situation. When humans listen to their intuitive instincts they can sometimes avoid dangerous situations, discern real friends from those that cannot be trusted, and make better choices in life. Teaching children to recognize and value their own intuition can help them become more resilient.

Tuned In

How can parents help their children recognize and listen to intuition? One way to start is by encouraging children to have simple interactions with others while parents cast a watchful and protective eye. For example, while shopping together in a store, your child could ask someone directions to the nearest drinking fountain while you watch. Immediately following the interaction, ask your child what they felt about the person with whom they just interacted. Discuss what they report and encourage them to tune into their feelings (instincts) when interacting with others. This is a true parenting lesson from the wild.

Gavin de Becker is a national expert on using instincts to predict and avoid dangerous situations. He has done much work to help parents keep kids safe. For more information, check out his website at www.gavindebecker.com.

Mom, Are We Poor?

I pulled into the parking lot of my favorite, discount department store. I was ready to dig for bargains. My daughter looked at me and asked, “Mom, are we poor?” In her mind, if we were not in financial trouble there was no reason to shop on-the-cheap. This conversation with my 10 year old happened in 2004. The economy was strong and families were spending…a lot. Five years later, my daughter (and most Americans) are experiencing altered economic realities, up-close and personal.

Kids in school today were born after 1991. They have been described as a generation with entitlement issues. In today’s economic climate, it’s even more important to debunk the myth that one deserves unearned rewards, benefits, or privileges. In an era of bailouts and handouts, how do we curtail entitlement? Can anything good come from today’s “new normal” of job losses, business closings, and economic uncertainty?

The Gratus Generation
We can make our kids more resilient by considering the difference between two Latin words: gratus (grateful/thankful/acceptable) and gratis (for free/unearned/without charge). Here are five simple ways to direct kids towards gratitude and away from unearned entitlement:

1. Say Yes To No: When making purchasing decisions, occasionally let your kids hear you say, “No, we don’t need that right now.” even if you can easily afford the item. This will help them realize the difference between wants and needs. Controlling our desires for material things and being grateful for what we already have are powerful lessons for kids.

2. Valuing Values: Teach kids about the value (monetary worth) of common items. Show your children how they can contribute to your household economy by using coupons and introduce them to less expensive generic or store brands. Being thrifty helps people feel less helpless and builds resilience by being more in control of one’s spending.

3. Good For Nothing: Find ways for your kids to help others while expecting nothing in return. Perhaps they can rake leaves for an elderly neighbor or clean their grandparent’s bathroom. Show them that menial jobs are not beneath their dignity. In fact, helping others feels great and keeps us involved and engaged—keys to resilience.

4. Stress Success: View these stressful times as an opportunity for new learning. Make a greater effort to understand today’s economic and political issues. Find news stories about people who sacrificed to work their way out of bad debt rather than filing for bankruptcy. Share these success stories with your children.

5. Positively Hopeful: When you discuss current issues with your kids, do so in a way that doesn’t diminish their hope for the future. Talk about ways that your family is positively impacting its own future during these tough times.

Today’s difficult economic and political times will eventually pass, but the lessons that can be learned will last for many economic cycles to come. Take advantage of this opportunity and help build the foundation for a new “Greatest Generation.”

What Kids Get From A Grinchy, Gruff, Grumbling Grouch

What are Oscar the Grouch, Squidward, and Binky Barnes doing in kids’ shows?

Most children’s shows contain a negative character who seems to dislike people. Besides assisting in plot development, these characters prepare kids for real-life; where good people can appear anti-social. It takes time and effort to understand the true intention of someone who acts like a misanthrope. That is why so many of us don’t bother to try.

Taking a deeper look at complex people may result in a valuable friendship. For my family, that person was a grumpy, old man who lived next door. Over time, we slowly melted his icy exterior to discover Ted’s true character and warmth.

We did this by respecting his privacy while looking for ways to be friendly. In the winter, we secretly shoveled his sidewalk before dawn. One year I “dropped” a few flower seeds in the empty dirt that had once been his garden. If we baked cookies, we would deliver a few to Ted. In the summer, a bunch of home-grown flowers from our garden would occasionally be placed at his door.

Over the years we discovered that Ted was actually kind. The first conversation he initiated was a compliment on my family’s work ethic. Ted built his own house in 1947. He shared interesting stories about our neighborhood’s history. He encouraged me to get our daughter a puppy when I was unsure by saying, “Maureen, kids and dogs just seem to go together.” Ted even surprised us by giving our daughter a necklace that had belonged to his wife.

We learned that Ted and his wife wanted (but were unable to have) children. They loved to garden. We also learned that Ted’s wife discovered that she had cancer on a trip to visit her sister. Ted was unable to get to her before she died. We ended up connecting more with Ted than our friendlier neighbors.

Well-rounded children learn to show compassion and grace to multi-dimensional people. These people can enrich life and teach us valuable lessons. The best way for kids to learn is through the guidance and example of watchful, involved parents. Otherwise, the teacher will default to a few grumpy (but lovable) characters on television.

Cool Tool for the End of School

Can words paint a thousand pictures?

With the school year ending, creating a word-cloud for your child at wordle.net can help you express the personal growth you’ve seen in them this year and affirm his/her efforts. Best of all—it’s free!

I created a word-cloud for each member of my family earlier this year. Everyone loved comparing the words I had selected for each individual family member. In fact, several are still displayed on family member’s desks!

Instructions for creating a personal word-cloud:

1. Type a list of the qualities and accomplishments your child has developed this year. The list can be as long as you wish. Include your child’s name.
2. Separate individual words with commas and place a tilde character ~ between words that go together. (For example: packing~your~own~lunch)
3. Duplicate any words or phrases that you want to appear larger. (The more times they appear in your list, the larger they will be in the word cloud.)
4. Now paste the whole list into the “create” box at www.wordle.net and select “go.” You have created a beautiful word cloud for your child that can be rearranged, colored, and printed.

Whistle While You Work

I grew up on a farm. One of my most lasting memories of my father was listening to him talk to the animals in the barn and whistle as he did the chores. I know that Dad didn’t really want to become a farmer. It was not his career of choice. He didn’t enjoy the daily drudgery of taking care of animals or growing crops; but after high school his Mother was counting on him to run the family farm—so he did.

I never spoke to Dad about this, but his simple habit of whistling taught me a lifelong lesson. While you might not like what you have to do to contribute to your family; you can do it with joy.

My mom also sets this example by crocheting hundreds of afghans that she happily gives away. Similarly, my mother-in-law talks to the food she cooks. It is hilarious to watch her pat an uncooked turkey reassuringly and say, “You are a good turkey-bird. We will enjoy you!”

During these tough times, try modeling the “joy of contributing” more often than the stress you feel. Your kids will quietly notice.

Maureen Gets Sent Home From School!

Optimistic Outcomes Wins 2009 Teachers’ Choice Award for the Family

Optimistic Outcomes won the coveted award after receiving top marks from a panel of judges. Teachers’ Choice is the only award that requires every judge to be both a teacher and a parent.

This is a prestigious honor for educational products that enhance learning at home. Optimistic Outcomes will be featured in the April 2009 edition of Learning Magazine® which reaches over 150,000 PreK-Grade 6 teachers.

Parental involvement is the key to having a positive outcome for children. We are honored that teachers recommend our product and send us home to help their students’ families.

Homework Session Oppression

Hello Maureen,
My third grader is one of 30 students in her classroom, and she's struggling in math. The teacher knows this but with so many students, one-on-one time isn't happening. We help as much as we can, only to have her in tears halfway through her homework. Other than finding a tutor, are there any ideas to make homework more "fun" for her rather than having her approach each session with the "I can't do it" attitude?
Sincerely,
Math Wrath


Dear Math Wrath,
Your question brings back so many memories of homework struggles with our daughter! You are not alone. It is heartbreaking to see your child so frustrated and know they feel defeated—sometimes before they even begin the task at hand. One important thing that helped me as a mom was to constantly remind myself that struggling in school is not an accurate predictor of future success. The good news is that there are many ways to make the process more interesting and fun for kids and parents. I’ll share a couple of homework ideas from my book Optimistic Outcomes. Remember, something that works one day might not work next week. We parents need a deep tool kit!

Running on Empty

Some kids need a little quiet time after school to regain energy. A noisy day at school is draining for many children. Help him build serenity into his day, and schedule homework after he has had a little time to relax. Here are three tips that will make your child’s study time go more smoothly and help him to learn more readily.

1. Set aside time for homework before your child becomes too tired. Concentration takes energy.
2. The best time to complete homework is in the afternoon or early evening.
3. Have your child complete his homework at a consistent time each day.
   Don’t expect your child to study exactly like you did as a child. If he studies better standing up or sprawled out on the floor, let him. Whatever works for your child is the “best” approach.

What’s Your Function?

Some math worksheets have a mixed variety of functions (operations). Sometimes children don’t notice which symbol is in a particular problem, and they make simple mistakes like adding instead of multiplying. If this is a problem for your child, teach her to color the math functions with highlighters. Use a different color for each function sign. This will give her a

visual cue and remind her to check which function she is supposed to use in each problem. For example, you could highlight:
+ pink
– blue
× green
÷ yellow

Green-Time Yields a Better Crop of Kids

Out-of-Doors Out of Fashion?
I complemented my neighbor last week as we chatted over the fence. I told her that I enjoyed seeing her kids playing an old-fashioned game of hide-and-seek in the yard before she walked them to school. She replied, “I had to shoo them out the door to play because even on this beautiful morning, they wanted to be indoors!”

Getting kids to play outdoors seems to be a common dilemma for many parents. I give talks to parent groups about this issue and I commonly hear questions such as, “How can I get my daughter to go for a walk with me?” My own daughter used to jump at the chance to go for a walk; but on a recent warm day I found myself telling that same 14-year old to walk the dog with me, “Because I said so!” We had a nice time and she actually thanked me afterward, but I had to force her to go.

The Green, Green Grass of Home
There are plenty of reasons for parents to encourage (and sometimes coerce) children to spend more time outdoors, interacting with nature. You don’t need to live near the wilderness to benefit from the great outdoors. Children who live in urban and suburban areas can get a daily dose of green-time by being in ordinary settings like parks and backyards.

• Playing outdoors allows kids to activate all of their senses and fosters a capacity for wonder and curiosity.
• Exposure to nature provides a perception of something bigger than oneself. It gives kids opportunities to experiment and solve problems—important life skills.
• Spending time in outdoor settings improves concentration and can even reduce the symptoms of ADHD.
• Playing outdoors reduces stress, and helps kids sleep better at night.
• Playing outside encourages physical activity and permits kids to use their large muscles. Physical activity is good for the brain. It increases blood flow and oxygen to the brain. Exercise is now linked to improved mood, enhanced memory, better cognition, and brain neuron regeneration. John Ratey of Harvard Medical School says exercise is like “Miracle-Gro for the brain.”

Chairman of the Bored
In the summer, kids transition from the constant agenda of the school year to a more laid-back way of living. The shift can be hard for many children and parents. It is tempting for us to fill the summer calendar with planned activities for our children. By trying to give kids as much as possible, parents overlook one valuable experience—boredom.

Well-intentioned parents believe that making the most of summer means signing kids up for a host of activities chosen from a staggering list of opportunities. What gets lost is free time—a necessary component to child development. Informal, free time permits children to explore their own interests, problem solve, manage their own time, and reflect. Allowing kids to get bored can spark creativity and self-reliance in most children as they work through the restlessness of boredom and discover something to do.

Parenting: Not a Competitive Sport
Do you compare the activities in which your child participates with the activities of other parents’ children? Do you feel pressure from peers or family members to do more? Doctors and therapists are seeing more stressed-out children than ever before who are mirroring the frenetic lifestyles of their parents. If your family is too caught up in the hustle-bustle of today’s fast pace, let go of some competitive-parenting tendencies. Limit the number of activities you enroll your child in this summer. Set aside some free time in your own day to simply play, ponder, or explore. Children learn from watching the most important teachers—their parents.

Cultivating Great Minds
With summertime upon us, cultivate great minds in your family by incorporating physical activity, exposure to nature, and free time into each day. Here are three ways to encourage green-time and playtime in your family:

1. Keep it simple. All of us can benefit from a daily dose of green-time, and it does not take a lot of planning. Just 20 minutes of tossing around a Frisbee® or sitting in the yard talking with your kids can be beneficial. A simple family walk around the block is good for the body, the mind, and it allows an opportunity to reconnect with your family.
2. Value and protect informal playtime. It allows kids to use their imagination and builds their natural curiosity. (Don’t confuse unplanned or informal time with unsupervised time. Parents still need to make sure kids are safe.) Limit the number of activities you enroll your child in this summer. Coach your kids to embrace periods of nothing-to-do and encourage them to play, explore, and reflect.
3. Unplug from devices and connect with family. Find opportunities to hang out with your family. Unplug yourself from the phone, computer, television, and e-mail. Limit the amount of daily time children spend in front of any type of screen. This includes television, computer, and video games large and small. There are many creative ways to do this. For example, when my daughter was small we gave her 7 craft sticks at the beginning of each week. Each stick represented 30 minutes of television. When she used up her 7 sticks (3 ½ hours of television) she was done for the week. For more information about reducing screen time, visit Media and the Family a wonderful resource for parents.

Questions:
How do your kids adjust to the slower pace of summer?
How do you incorporate a daily dose of green-time into your family’s day?

For more information and ideas, visit OptimisticOutcomes.com

Teaching To The Tests

Tests Are Tools; Not Accurate Predictors of Future Success

Spring is in the air. It must be test-taking season! Children all over America are preparing for a wave of high-stakes testing in schools. This is an important time to pause and remember that exams are just one indicator of how a child is learning and remembering information. Tests are simply a “snapshot in time” of how a child performs on a given day. While tests are an important tool, they are not an accurate predictor of future success.

Three Testing Tips

1. Before discussing upcoming tests with your child, take a moment to analyze your own feelings. Often parents are more nervous about a test than their children! If you are nervous, the best thing you can do is relax. Children are experts at picking-up on a parent’s emotions.
2. Here is a quick reminder if you find that your child is excessively nervous about test day. Reinforce to your child that he will not know the answer to every question, and that is okay. Remind your child that you will always love him and believe in him regardless of any test score.
3. Self-talk can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. Teach your child to be aware of what she is thinking to herself before tests. Show her how to repeat positive messages to herself. Thoughts such as, “I have studied and will do my best” are positive and not overstated.

Worry Can Decrease One’s IQ and Ability to Perform

I recently attended a fascinating lecture by Dr. Ned Hallowell regarding his book Worry: Hope and Help for a Common Problem. (It was an excellent presentation, and if you have an opportunity to see Dr. Hallowell in person, I would highly recommend going.) Dr. Hallowell cited studies that show our society worries more today than a decade ago. He also explained how worry that develops into fear and/or shame can actually decrease one’s IQ and ability to perform.

Along that same train-of-thought, I've included an interesting article (below) regarding the “mental static” cause by test anxiety:

Helping Children Overcome Test Anxiety
(excerpt from American School Counselors website)

"Test anxiety is almost universal. In fact, it is unusual to find a student who doesn’t approach a big test without a high level of anxiety. Test anxiety can cause a host of problems in students, such as upset stomach, headache, loss of focus, fear, irritability, anger and even depression. New research is helping to better define how emotional stress and anxiety affect learning and academic performance.

Stressful emotions can inhibit a student’s ability to absorb, retain and recall information. Anxiety creates a kind of "noise" or "mental static" in the brain that blocks our ability to retrieve what’s stored in memory and also greatly impairs our ability to comprehend and reason…" Read More

Do your children get stressed about tests in school? How do you help them cope?

"Optimistic Outcomes: What Every Parent Wants and Every Child Needs" includes 49 test-taking strategies that can improve your child's testing skills for a lifetime. For more information, go to Optimistic Outcomes.

Good Morning?

Good Morning?
By Maureen McKay

How are mornings going at your house? Do you sip on coffee and read the newspaper while your kids get themselves ready for school and out the door with time to spare?

My mornings were downright awful until I realized that kids really do need more cues to get daily things done­­. I came up with technique that makes mornings much less stressful—for less than the cost of a large latte!

Over several mornings, jot down all of the steps your kids should do to get ready for school every day. After you have the list, arrange it in a logical order (example: brush teeth after eating breakfast). Bullet each morning step with a permanent marker on a small dry-erase board that has an attached dry-erase marker. (Make sure the dry erase board is not a glass coated "no stain" type. You want the permanent marker to stick.)

Hang this morning checklist in a central location—I use the inside of a kitchen cupboard door so it is out of sight the rest of the day. Explain to your kids that adults use lists all the time to remember things—like at the grocery store. Lists are a great tool for anyone. Show them the morning checklist and explain that every day, they will check off each step as they complete it with the dry erase marker. (Then you can wipe the check marks off and reuse the same list each day.)

Stick to it. Sometimes it takes months for this to become an effortless routine. Whenever you need to get things moving in the morning, take a deep breath and physically look at the list with your child and coach them on what to do next—without emotion.

My daughter has been getting herself up and ready for school (on time/without drama) since fourth grade with this method. Believe me, that is a miracle! Now she does everything on her own. My friends have children my daughter's age who still haven’t acquired this life skill. They ask my daughter how she does it.