Wild Parenting

Someone recently asked a question that I immediately dismissed as ridiculous.

That question was, “What parenting lessons can we learn from wild animals?” Growing up in a rural area, I witnessed both nurturing relationships between animals as well as harsh animal parenting. (For example, the old feral tomcat that killed his own kittens whenever he got the chance.) Humans possess the power of reasoning. What possible enlightenment could animals provide about raising children with an optimistic outcome in life?

Basic Instincts

Then it hit me. Our ability to reason is a disadvantage for the most basic of all survival skills—intuition. Having quick and ready insight (not based on rational thought) can be an advantage, but humans often rationalize away their instinctive impulses. Instinct causes animals to run from danger without over-thinking the situation. When humans listen to their intuitive instincts they can sometimes avoid dangerous situations, discern real friends from those that cannot be trusted, and make better choices in life. Teaching children to recognize and value their own intuition can help them become more resilient.

Tuned In

How can parents help their children recognize and listen to intuition? One way to start is by encouraging children to have simple interactions with others while parents cast a watchful and protective eye. For example, while shopping together in a store, your child could ask someone directions to the nearest drinking fountain while you watch. Immediately following the interaction, ask your child what they felt about the person with whom they just interacted. Discuss what they report and encourage them to tune into their feelings (instincts) when interacting with others. This is a true parenting lesson from the wild.

Gavin de Becker is a national expert on using instincts to predict and avoid dangerous situations. He has done much work to help parents keep kids safe. For more information, check out his website at www.gavindebecker.com.

Mom, Are We Poor?

I pulled into the parking lot of my favorite, discount department store. I was ready to dig for bargains. My daughter looked at me and asked, “Mom, are we poor?” In her mind, if we were not in financial trouble there was no reason to shop on-the-cheap. This conversation with my 10 year old happened in 2004. The economy was strong and families were spending…a lot. Five years later, my daughter (and most Americans) are experiencing altered economic realities, up-close and personal.

Kids in school today were born after 1991. They have been described as a generation with entitlement issues. In today’s economic climate, it’s even more important to debunk the myth that one deserves unearned rewards, benefits, or privileges. In an era of bailouts and handouts, how do we curtail entitlement? Can anything good come from today’s “new normal” of job losses, business closings, and economic uncertainty?

The Gratus Generation
We can make our kids more resilient by considering the difference between two Latin words: gratus (grateful/thankful/acceptable) and gratis (for free/unearned/without charge). Here are five simple ways to direct kids towards gratitude and away from unearned entitlement:

1. Say Yes To No: When making purchasing decisions, occasionally let your kids hear you say, “No, we don’t need that right now.” even if you can easily afford the item. This will help them realize the difference between wants and needs. Controlling our desires for material things and being grateful for what we already have are powerful lessons for kids.

2. Valuing Values: Teach kids about the value (monetary worth) of common items. Show your children how they can contribute to your household economy by using coupons and introduce them to less expensive generic or store brands. Being thrifty helps people feel less helpless and builds resilience by being more in control of one’s spending.

3. Good For Nothing: Find ways for your kids to help others while expecting nothing in return. Perhaps they can rake leaves for an elderly neighbor or clean their grandparent’s bathroom. Show them that menial jobs are not beneath their dignity. In fact, helping others feels great and keeps us involved and engaged—keys to resilience.

4. Stress Success: View these stressful times as an opportunity for new learning. Make a greater effort to understand today’s economic and political issues. Find news stories about people who sacrificed to work their way out of bad debt rather than filing for bankruptcy. Share these success stories with your children.

5. Positively Hopeful: When you discuss current issues with your kids, do so in a way that doesn’t diminish their hope for the future. Talk about ways that your family is positively impacting its own future during these tough times.

Today’s difficult economic and political times will eventually pass, but the lessons that can be learned will last for many economic cycles to come. Take advantage of this opportunity and help build the foundation for a new “Greatest Generation.”

What Kids Get From A Grinchy, Gruff, Grumbling Grouch

What are Oscar the Grouch, Squidward, and Binky Barnes doing in kids’ shows?

Most children’s shows contain a negative character who seems to dislike people. Besides assisting in plot development, these characters prepare kids for real-life; where good people can appear anti-social. It takes time and effort to understand the true intention of someone who acts like a misanthrope. That is why so many of us don’t bother to try.

Taking a deeper look at complex people may result in a valuable friendship. For my family, that person was a grumpy, old man who lived next door. Over time, we slowly melted his icy exterior to discover Ted’s true character and warmth.

We did this by respecting his privacy while looking for ways to be friendly. In the winter, we secretly shoveled his sidewalk before dawn. One year I “dropped” a few flower seeds in the empty dirt that had once been his garden. If we baked cookies, we would deliver a few to Ted. In the summer, a bunch of home-grown flowers from our garden would occasionally be placed at his door.

Over the years we discovered that Ted was actually kind. The first conversation he initiated was a compliment on my family’s work ethic. Ted built his own house in 1947. He shared interesting stories about our neighborhood’s history. He encouraged me to get our daughter a puppy when I was unsure by saying, “Maureen, kids and dogs just seem to go together.” Ted even surprised us by giving our daughter a necklace that had belonged to his wife.

We learned that Ted and his wife wanted (but were unable to have) children. They loved to garden. We also learned that Ted’s wife discovered that she had cancer on a trip to visit her sister. Ted was unable to get to her before she died. We ended up connecting more with Ted than our friendlier neighbors.

Well-rounded children learn to show compassion and grace to multi-dimensional people. These people can enrich life and teach us valuable lessons. The best way for kids to learn is through the guidance and example of watchful, involved parents. Otherwise, the teacher will default to a few grumpy (but lovable) characters on television.

Cool Tool for the End of School

Can words paint a thousand pictures?

With the school year ending, creating a word-cloud for your child at wordle.net can help you express the personal growth you’ve seen in them this year and affirm his/her efforts. Best of all—it’s free!

I created a word-cloud for each member of my family earlier this year. Everyone loved comparing the words I had selected for each individual family member. In fact, several are still displayed on family member’s desks!

Instructions for creating a personal word-cloud:

1. Type a list of the qualities and accomplishments your child has developed this year. The list can be as long as you wish. Include your child’s name.
2. Separate individual words with commas and place a tilde character ~ between words that go together. (For example: packing~your~own~lunch)
3. Duplicate any words or phrases that you want to appear larger. (The more times they appear in your list, the larger they will be in the word cloud.)
4. Now paste the whole list into the “create” box at www.wordle.net and select “go.” You have created a beautiful word cloud for your child that can be rearranged, colored, and printed.

Whistle While You Work

I grew up on a farm. One of my most lasting memories of my father was listening to him talk to the animals in the barn and whistle as he did the chores. I know that Dad didn’t really want to become a farmer. It was not his career of choice. He didn’t enjoy the daily drudgery of taking care of animals or growing crops; but after high school his Mother was counting on him to run the family farm—so he did.

I never spoke to Dad about this, but his simple habit of whistling taught me a lifelong lesson. While you might not like what you have to do to contribute to your family; you can do it with joy.

My mom also sets this example by crocheting hundreds of afghans that she happily gives away. Similarly, my mother-in-law talks to the food she cooks. It is hilarious to watch her pat an uncooked turkey reassuringly and say, “You are a good turkey-bird. We will enjoy you!”

During these tough times, try modeling the “joy of contributing” more often than the stress you feel. Your kids will quietly notice.

Maureen Gets Sent Home From School!

Optimistic Outcomes Wins 2009 Teachers’ Choice Award for the Family

Optimistic Outcomes won the coveted award after receiving top marks from a panel of judges. Teachers’ Choice is the only award that requires every judge to be both a teacher and a parent.

This is a prestigious honor for educational products that enhance learning at home. Optimistic Outcomes will be featured in the April 2009 edition of Learning Magazine® which reaches over 150,000 PreK-Grade 6 teachers.

Parental involvement is the key to having a positive outcome for children. We are honored that teachers recommend our product and send us home to help their students’ families.

Homework Session Oppression

Hello Maureen,
My third grader is one of 30 students in her classroom, and she's struggling in math. The teacher knows this but with so many students, one-on-one time isn't happening. We help as much as we can, only to have her in tears halfway through her homework. Other than finding a tutor, are there any ideas to make homework more "fun" for her rather than having her approach each session with the "I can't do it" attitude?
Sincerely,
Math Wrath


Dear Math Wrath,
Your question brings back so many memories of homework struggles with our daughter! You are not alone. It is heartbreaking to see your child so frustrated and know they feel defeated—sometimes before they even begin the task at hand. One important thing that helped me as a mom was to constantly remind myself that struggling in school is not an accurate predictor of future success. The good news is that there are many ways to make the process more interesting and fun for kids and parents. I’ll share a couple of homework ideas from my book Optimistic Outcomes. Remember, something that works one day might not work next week. We parents need a deep tool kit!

Running on Empty

Some kids need a little quiet time after school to regain energy. A noisy day at school is draining for many children. Help him build serenity into his day, and schedule homework after he has had a little time to relax. Here are three tips that will make your child’s study time go more smoothly and help him to learn more readily.

1. Set aside time for homework before your child becomes too tired. Concentration takes energy.
2. The best time to complete homework is in the afternoon or early evening.
3. Have your child complete his homework at a consistent time each day.
   Don’t expect your child to study exactly like you did as a child. If he studies better standing up or sprawled out on the floor, let him. Whatever works for your child is the “best” approach.

What’s Your Function?

Some math worksheets have a mixed variety of functions (operations). Sometimes children don’t notice which symbol is in a particular problem, and they make simple mistakes like adding instead of multiplying. If this is a problem for your child, teach her to color the math functions with highlighters. Use a different color for each function sign. This will give her a

visual cue and remind her to check which function she is supposed to use in each problem. For example, you could highlight:
+ pink
– blue
× green
÷ yellow